this is going to be an interesting post, i can feel it from the beginning.
maybe the readers can understand – it is that time when you feel like you don’t know what you are doing because you are doing a lot of things and you got a lot of things in your head. maybe there are too many that they are preventing you from seeing just one thing, the ONE thing that is important the most.
to be honest, things are a bit overwhelming these days. i hate the angst of waiting for school // finishing the applications // being put into leadership (untitled) position which is seemingly hard. whether people are putting things onto my shoulders or not, i am still carrying them as if they are my own burdens. nonetheless, it is not about the amount of burdens or where the burdens even come from. it is really about where i put those burdens. where do i carry them to? which path am i taking them? this always happens to me, and i clearly dislike it. when i feel like things are overloading,
my eyes are off the track.
my feet are weary.
my hands are numb.
my attention is defective.
my heart is hardened.
“OUT OF CONTROL!”, i said, leaving one room and moving to another room. turning on the computer and closing it. logging into facebook and closing all the browsers. picking up the phone to do unnecessary chats (surely not out of love to the other friend). sitting and standing. opening up the bible and pretending to be in love with the Word when the heart is clearly full of thorns to let the Word soak in. walking around the room to see anything change only to find out that nothing really changes. sleeping off to ease things up, but really to forget everything. waking up only to find out that the heart has not softened yet. praying that God would do something for a change // but there lies the problem with the impatient heart.
it always wanders to make something to lord over it. it always seeks to fill the hole that is caused by these burdens. oh yes, our hearts always have a lord over it everyday – either the Lord our holy God or the filthy things on earth like envy, malice, hatred, bitterness, binge (eating/drinking), wealth (money), lust (sex), self-seeking, and the evil list goes on. we’d be very naive to think for a second that something does not control us at this very moment.
so yes, the impatient heart would wander around all the evil desires to let go of the true triune God.
to my surprise, i did a very ugly singing of “in moments like these, i sing out a song; i sing out a love song to Jesus… singing i love you Lord” today. i thought i would sing it anyways. my heart missed its Creator. i was not surprised that my voice was just cracking…. i was just surprised that i would sing a song like that while in this situation and it started echoing in my heart.
i just cannot imagine myself finding my joy in this short, brief, temporary pleasure of this earth to treat with the wholesome, powerful, almighty God. i’m really nowhere near perfecting in fighting these sins and temptations because i still ate so much… but i think it’s getting somewhere by God’s grace.
they say something about ‘insanity’. it is defined as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. i am nowhere near perfecting my fight against sins especially when i feel the heavy burdens, but really it is never about the amount of burdens or where the burdens even come from. it is about looking onto the Cross where all my burdens and sins are wrapped in the packaged as they are already delivered for my sonship. through the resurrection of Christ, i received a diploma that says that my name is written in the book of Life and no death/sins have power over me.
this is a song from Frontline worship that i really like as i’m going through this journey and realizing that i cannot afford to stay the same.
“Show me your way. Whatever it takes to change. I see what’s new, looking at how far I’ve come.
Here is my life, Don’t let me forget the way. Here is my life, I can’t afford to stay the same.
Keep my soul, Keep my spirit, Keep my life, Moving forward.”
from the book the hole in our holiness, “The Bible is realistic about holiness. Don’t think that all this glorious talk about dying to sin and living to God [Romans 6] means there is no struggle anymore or that sin will never show up in the believer’s life. The Christian life still entails obedience. It still involves a fight. But it’s a fight we will win. You have the Spirit of Christ in your corner, rubbing your shoulders, holding the bucket, putting his arm around you and saying before the next round with sin, ‘You’re going to knock him out, kid.’ Sin may get in some good jabs. It may clean your clock once in a while. It may bring you to your knees. But if you are in Christ it will never knock you out. You are no longer a slave, but free. Sin has no dominion over you. It can’t. It won’t. A new King sits on the throne. You serve a different Master. You salute a different Lord.”
at the end of the day, at the end of my life, at the end of all my understandings of sins, brokenness, holiness, sanctifications, and eternal life —
turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. turn my eyes away from worthless things, preserve my life according to Your word. – psalm 119: 36-37.
the Word that became flesh for you and me. (8/21/13 – wednesday night)
resolved: i will be fasting on thursdays – abstaining from foods and any sort of social media. i did it today, and i am hoping that thursday will become my favorite weekday. join me. (8/22/13 – thursday night)