there comes another time for me to consider praying really seriously. i thought of all the possible things in my heart that i could be praying.. “hmm, okay good,” I said, ” i will fast and pray on it.”
the real prayer time, i prayed and prayed. still no convictions. screamed some more, shed some more tears, no nothing. frustrated, i stopped praying. how could the God of universe would not come speak to me when i need to hear Him the most? “He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all – how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32” comes into my head, and my faith become a bit complete but yet i still didn’t know how He would do it.
i fell asleep then woke up hungry. i felt like my approach was not right. “how do i hear you, God?”, i asked. then i waited. i just didn’t know what to do. i started opening the book of psalms, my favorite book of the bible.
coming to the first few chapters of psalms, i saw the desperation of psalmist who really wanted God to hear them out. they must have really wanted him- “in the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning i lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” — hmm i can resonate with that. ok, yes Lord i have expectation in you that you will hear me. but just you hearing me isn’t enough right now!
then i saw the verse “i call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer”, and i do expect some answers.. by then i found out what i was doing wrong. i wasn’t listening to His answers. the Word speaking to me was definitely one of the answers He was giving to me. “wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
so i waited. i played the guitar with (C, G, D, Em) the only keys over and over again waiting the Spirit to speak into me. i dare not speak but to let only the Spirit. surrendering all of me, it took about two hours until i received His will upon me. it was good, so i quickly jotted them down in my journal.
i swear i have not been doing my prayer life right. i’m usually a go-getter and when i pray, i usually just pray. i rarely take the time to listen.
Christian philosopher Peter Kreeft wrote this “In a conversation, if you are the wisest, it makes sense for you to do most of the talking. If the other person is wiser, it makes sense for you to do most of the listening. The wiser the other is, the more listening you want to do. Well, prayer is conversation with God, and it makes no sense for us to do most of the talking. We ought to be listening most of the time.”
i have to agree to this. especially for a sinner like me who could be disconnected from the Spirit of the Lord at times, i need to take my time to pray for myself and for others in a group. even then, i gotta listen to God first in what He would want me to say, being sensitive to His will and Spirit.
i also realized that the best way for us to listen to God is through the Word. when we read the Word, we don’t speak but we let God speak to us… no wonder God would usually speak to me louder through the Word than when i just prayed and prayed. it should be the same in prayers, i think, that as we make requests to God “in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving”, we could also wait for His gentle Word to speak to us so that “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”.
i wanna learn to live in quietness this year, i think this requires much more trust in God than me moving around, talking and doing things. i think this is the theme i have been seeing this past year and it’s about time i learn.
“be still, and know that I am God”
“after the earthquake, came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. and after the fire came a gentle whisper”
Lord, speak into my soul.
You are beautiful.