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this emptiness.

September 17, 2012

i actually thought about leaving this post empty, so that the readers would understand what it feels to seek for something and be left empty in a very memorable way. but i didn’t do it hehehe… because the emptiness can be filled with the Word! i hope someone gets that.

when my non-Christians ask me how i know God truly exists, the first things in my head are ‘ohh miracles, miracles, the miracles that the Lord did’. that’s not wrong and i definitely believe those truths throughout the history in the bible and out in this world.
when i get home, i thought about it again. okay, those are the things that they can understand and see, so it would be really great, right? umm… why didn’t i think of something that is inside of me??? why do i have so little faith to share about my faith that i only share about things they could see? the being that they cannot see, hear or feel unless God provides himself and clears their cloudy eyes? the being that only comes through faith in Christ.

the HOLY SPIRIT! i keep forgetting about Him. one of the many reasons is that i don’t acknowledge the work of the Holy Spirit as much as i should or what the bible reveals. the Holy Spirit didn’t just come out of nowhere in the New Testament but has always been with God (and He is God) since the beginning and throughout the Old Testament. how do i know the Spirit lives in me? it’s something you just know as i will talk about it later. oh how i had undermined the work of God the Holy Spirit. He is so powerful and effective that He can be shared through everyone. i kid you not, He can be felt. His presence and work are more than just miracles. i really doubt that it’s some just psychological or random thing, that would make one seem too naive. i can go on and on about it, but He is the reason how i know Christ lives in me, and i am enabled to live my life for God.
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a week ago on a saturday night, one big emptiness hits me as i was praying out to God. it is not like i never saw it coming, but i never thought about putting it down before God. everything falls inside of me drilling and coming right at my heart with a huge pain, like literally. all the failures, bitterness, hatred, jealousy, disapproval, fear, anxiety, pride etc. which i think are satan’s best tools. it drills in and in as i pray. the sharp tip going under my skin, cracking some bones, now the muscles and straight to my heart. it hurts more than a real physical pain. my mouth couldn’t speak no more. my tongue couldn’t move no more. my legs couldn’t take their stand. i was on my knees and my heart was the only organ moving. it was the only thing that could make a noise. it was a pretty darn ugly noise. but it was the broken heart that wants to please the Lord and seek back His face admitting that nothing in this earth can fill the emptiness. may it be a praising song to my Lord my God.

imagine an ocean, and think about drilling a hole inside that ocean. you know the water will fill inside that hole regardless. yea grace is like an ocean. satan is using his tools to drill and make us empty, but by grace, God fills it up with His Spirit. amen! really though, i wouldn’t have it no other way. i don’t wanna go find a pretty face, a good grade, or a nice doctor degree to fill this in, but only His love. this life has taught me so much how nothing really satisfies and that they are so temporary. there is no better place than to be at the feet of the Cross being renewed again and again with the Holy Spirit.

one thing i heard was … ‘in your weaknesses, I will show myself and be glorified. keep on moving, son.’ what can i do? this desert time, i will seek His holy name, and be faithful to what i am called to do, to serve God. under His discipline and grace— it’s great, and i can testify that i am being changed in a lot of ways. praise God!

i was reading the Old Testament as a part of my physical/spiritual self-disciplining for the year [http://wp.me/P1THrl-7R] and found this verse.

Deutronomy 8:2 remember how the LORD you God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in the your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands.

how do you want to fill your emptiness with?

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