a lot of mixed emotions yesterday. my insecurities, struggles and failures all at once just came crushing down at me.
the post title is from U2 and Carrie Underwood. two good songs on surrendering.
i wondered if i were that weak or i was just overthinking. it is just not easy when satan uses them and my heart and eyes are not totally fixed on the Cross. i didn’t even know what to pray for anymore. the problem was that i looked at myself more than the Cross and the blood that was shed for me. struggling and wondering on a lot of things, my roommate Henry came home. i told him some of the things that were on my mind, just basing on the litte things like mcat, med school, this year plan, family, future spouse, and things that don’t work out well. i told him that maybe i have given in too much of my heart in them… pieces by pieces. he pointed the bigger problem – i wanted to take control over them, but yet i have no control over ANY OF THEM right now!
word! i paused. i checked my heart. i looked at him [blank]. ‘ok, you got me bro! oh dangit!’, i said.
why do i want to take control over? because i don’t trust in God enough. because i don’t think God can do them better than when i do them myself. because God’s grace is not sufficient enough for me and i desire all others. because i don’t want to surrender my all to Him. isn’t it so hard to believe (have faith) that by giving in something, you gain everything? —– i swear i have heard of these types of sermons so many times like a zillion times. it never occurred to me until i realize how much of my life portion that i want to take control over.
during stress/exam times, i would indulge in eating or increasing working out hours. why? i want to know that i have this control over them. or instead of facing the problems, i would just sleep because i can control how long i sleep. true story, the deeper problem is not even laziness!
can’t control over someone liking me or not? sure, i can control how my appearance and characters are like, so that one can like me. ummm… it is more like a disaster when someone sees your flaws and don’t want to talk to you anymore. nope, got no control over their hearts. lol
hmm. okay, days when nothing is satisfying me and working in my ways? sure, i know where to get all my pleasures by going back to my addictions. the same with being single/loneliness, you can’t wait to get all the those satisfaction/joy from the other person when you know God can provide all of them. these aren’t even about the acts, but the heart! the heart of disbeliefs that God can satisfy me in all His being.
gahh i can’t pray without getting on my knees before the Lord because i am desperately in need of Him to take over my life and man, these falling tears make me feel weaker and weaker than ever before. it’s ironic because my blog is titled ‘in my weaknesses’ — though i will never be strong but i have a Stronghold. i told Henry how weak i felt. he laughed and told me that i am learning a lot in this season. it’s true.
i really like ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ because well, for the obvious reason. gotta like Jesus be the driver, the way, the truth, and the life.
U2’s ‘Moment of Surrender‘ is actually really deep. why are you so goooood Bono?! the song’s all about addictions, drugs, and life. i was looking for the meaning of the songs and i saw a different interpretations but it all leads to God. my favorite one was on the verse ‘at the moment of surrender, of vision over visibility’ – one interprets it with how God’s vision overrides Paul’s visibility. Saul, before becoming Paul, was persecuting Christians and it was that day when God met him (Acts 9). Paul fell to the ground when he heard the Lord and after that he lost his visibility. God’s vision came over to Ananias and Paul that when Ananias prayed for Paul, he will be able to see again. Paul’s life was never the same again.
Acts 9:17 then Ananias went to the house and entered it. placing his hands on Saul, he said ‘brother Saul, the Lord- Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here- has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit.’ immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again.
to be filled with the Holy Spirit – to wholly surrender and trust.
how do i do that? someone else interpreted it this way too….
God’s vision over our visibility – the answer is found in the objective, not the subjective, by looking toward the object (toward Christ), not inward toward the self. that totally sounds like the definition of faith. gotta fix my eyes on Jesus and follow His ways of surrendering to the Father.
Jesus about to be crucified for the sake of humanity, ‘…He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.‘- matthew 26:39. with all His almighty powers, He could have destroyed the Pharisees, soldiers and pilate. but He didn’t, so that we maybe able to have the eternal life and the Father maybe glorified. He surrendered His everything as the ultimate sacrifice.
Psalm 9:10 those who know Your name will trust in You. for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.
as hard as it may sound to surrender, the Holy Spirit that once was in Paul still is living in us. we can do this! God’s vision over our visibility. God’s kingdom over our cities. God’s love over our mess.