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the Gospel still amazes me. || apology.

August 10, 2012

where do i even begin? this might show just a small glimpse of the Gospel, but i hope it can enlarge our views on it. i don’t know how much of the Cross that i will get to know on this earth, but surely the day that i see God face to face will be the day i can understand who He is, and i can only imagine. thankfully, He still shows grace by making my sins visible and that i’m in need of the Man on the Cross.

when someone shows me of my sins and flaws, my first desires are to justify myself and find my ways back to receive the acceptance and approval. i scramble to find ways to show the better parts of me. i want to do whatever it takes to make sure that the person doesn’t see me just with my sins. i want to say, ‘this isn’t me, there is so much more of me that you can see.’ i feel misunderstood. the feeling puts me in guilt and the sense of needing self-justification hits hard like a storm. my heart screams.

then another friend asks, ‘van, do you really think you are not that bad?’ ———— – — – –

all of those screaming and raging stops. my heart pauses, perhaps skips a beat or two. the Word of the scripture points to ‘1 Timothy 1:15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners–of whom I am the worst.‘ Apostle Paul,..huh? if it is true, then why is this bothering me so much? it didn’t hit my head until i woke up the next morning…

wait,
if i am the worst of all sinners, then whatever the person says should be a compliment because they have not even seen half of all my sins.
do i really think i am that great when i am actually a sinner who deserves hell compared to the Holiness of GOD?!
if i am the worst of all sinners, why should the approval for others matter to me more than God’s? and which i have already gained through my faith in Christ. (not saying that people’s opinion don’t matter, but of the my heart’s conditions)
if i am the worst of all sinners, why do i even judge about someone who judges me? =/
God sees all of those sins that another person pointed out and more so, yet still accepted me and sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die for me.WOW>> THIS TOTALLY BLOWS MY MIND IN A NEW LEVEL.

when the Pastors say, ‘go back to the cross!!’ in the end of the sermon. yeah exactly what does it mean???!
ok, i can lay down my sins at the cross. maybe i will ask God to heal me as well. perhaps i will ask God to help me carry the Cross and live for Him. i did pray all of those, but it still felt superficial.. still a deeper sense of what it means to go to cross never really hits me and so i feel empty. something was missing. the joy of the salvation, it was.

now i will remember going the cross as- seeing who you are as a worst of all sinners, knowing the death of Jesus on the cross saves you, and because of that you can be thankful and praise Him even more. this thankfulness definitely produces the urge of humility and love towards others. in His grace, God still lets me live and even shows more of my sins, so that i can ask the Holy Spirit to help me, and to become more and more like Christ.

i feel like i just experienced a small glimpse of Apostle Paul’s letters in mentioning ‘REJOICE! I SAY IT AGAIN!’ x times. also pastor John Piper’s teaching in fighting sins by our joy in God’s holiness and grace. it does kinda make sense now why the David wrote ‘Psalm 51:12 restore to me the joy your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.‘ because without the joy of God’s salvation, David would have felt as much empty as i am. the Gospel still amazes me. if it was really easy for the world to understand, the Gospel wouldn’t be the Gospel.

——————————————————————————————————————-

in a different case, i examined myself with some brothers and sisters. the way i speak, the way i portray myself and all that. with their honest answers, wow, i just come out as a total judger (not a real word?) because that is how i think or the way my ‘heart motives’ function. sigh. of course they are the inner sins problem, but the outer doesn’t need to show it and before they come back, with repentance they should be destroyed first. i knew i was like that but i never knew (or desired to) how to fix it or how to even change the patterns and ways of thinking. and i didn’t know it could affect so much to others…..

i really want to apologize everyone who was under of my judgement and my rules.

can i be changed on this earth? yea totally… with man it is impossible but with God, all things are possible – Matt 19:26. i need the so much more wisdom and guidance from the above. another thing is that when i have Christ becoming greater in me (when i long for more of His glory), those sins don’t occur much or come out much. therefore, as sinful as i am, i should not even talk or live a day without asking God to help me hidden in Christ. without dying to the cross and living through the Spirit, everything that comes out from me are just sins. plain sins.

one thing about the Gospel that surprises me (the world too) even more is that … those brothers and sisters knew how much of a sinner i was, how much i wanted to enforce my laws, and how judgmental i was to them. but they also saw how much of sinners they were too and that God should only be the judge, and that we are all under the same grace. so they forgive me, and with love, they show me ways i could become a better follower of Christ. yea, this is what it takes to build the body of Christ and show love to the world.

definitely though, life is still a learning experience. i asked God to show me what to pray for… yikes, this is what i got. kinda hard to take, but it’s worth it. i am nowhere near becoming a man of God in my eyes or anybody’s eyes, but i am one in God’s eyes through Christ. more battles to fight and more things to be thankful for.

Philippians 2:1-2 if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, being on in spirit and purpose. 

help me be sanctified in Christ. i will try my best for you too. why? because – for Him. in Him. through Him. but not to us.

this gotta be my life verse now haha. yea…
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

in need of Grace and humility.

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2 Comments

  • Reply Francesca August 10, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    This really blessed me, brother. Apology accepted 😉 jkjkjk. But seriously, praise God!!

  • Reply Eunseok August 11, 2012 at 12:29 am

    amen bro!

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