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reflection before i move any further.

August 8, 2012

this summer feels like every other summer.

i see the little growth in me, and how things deeper inside of me never change. same old, but just older.

pushing away sins and grasping the Gospel in me was the hardest. still loving sins and enjoying it, not knowing when to stop.

thought the unrepentant sins were already burned. thought i was ready to please God. so far from it, i have become more like a pharisee.

a nice friend pointed out who narrow-minded and judgmental i could be. it sounds like what i exactly heard 3 years ago from another friend. things don’t change much eh. the problem is that it never actually is in my prayers. i didn’t know i had a problem with it or rather justified. i probably have done it on several friends. they probably have pointed out and i probably have just ignored or accepted it okay.

nay, the deeper problem is that i still want to be god and i still want to take all His glory. my eyes, mouth and mind proved it.

first, i was upset that i still have it in me. second, reasoning the deeper level, it is because i wanted show myself more than God, Himself. sad that people could not see God’s through me, but the same old me.

they cannot see that rugged cross, but same aged sin of mine.

as a sinner saved by grace, Go’s love be flowing through me. sigh.
it’s good to have people to tell you about these things. things to work on so that you could be equipped for the future. thankful and regretful at the same time. gotta let the cross fix me. i’m sorry.


one thing, i must not talk/walk/live anything (anything) without the fruits of the Spirit. without the Spirit living inside of me and working in me, everything i have done is just a loss. just from my own sins, things that don’t ever lead to God. it’s just disgusting for anyone to see.

oh how i long to have those fruits again.

i really regret for all my sins and what i have done with and without knowing. but i do want to change and pursuit of God to become a better man. i can see more and more of how much God has to be patient with me. His grace must appear deeper for me in order for me to fight this battle. things could not have gone any other way than how God wanted it.

2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

lessons learned. work to be done. for His glory- again.
help me. in need of grace.

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