i love people. it just feels good to be with people, and i think i am good with people too. but then, it is something that could get me into trouble if i don’t know how to manage my time. usually, i don’t know how to live without people. people could become my idol very easily.
in all my life, i don’t remember a time i have to sit by myself to eat at a lunch place. eh maybe once. even in high school, though i couldn’t speak English, i always had other non-English speakers who i could hang with. when i could speak English, i got so much more. in college, i had my dormmates and the cfc people. when i go down for breakfast/lunch/dinner, someone is always there. even if the church people ain’t there, and i just wanted to sit by myself, some other friends would always find me. library, green streets, classrooms, restaurants – they don’t matter – i always managed to find an old friend/colleague. maybe i don’t want to be alone so i always manage to find a friend or make more friends. (no boasting here, really.. i could only be boasting in God’s grace)
i still don’t know what people saw in me, but i made more friends last year through the masters program. i did enjoy spending time with them and i even had a privilege to share the Gospel to some friends. the problem now is that i won’t be with them next year, and i couldn’t be hurt more than this. i also had my Chin-Burmese people and close friends from UofI that i usually talk(minister) and build more relationships with.
another one is that i am studying by myself these days….. you might say, ‘yea….. ok.’ but true, only if you could put yourself in my shoes…. i don’t like studying by myself and i need my people. but it is one thing i notice that i need to work on. i gave my time to a lot of people last year to help/talk/share like i would be people-hopping. i like to stay open with my time so that anyone could come talk to me for anything. i’m not saying it is a bad thing, but it has its own timing. when i meet a new person, 3 things run into my head. i just want to know them deeper so that i could see how i could a light to them/what i could learn from them/ and how i could be a part of their lives.
what i learned is that it needs to wait. i feel like i’m being selfish here, but it is because i need the discipline. the discipline to manage my time better to faithfully perform what i need to do. one of my friends, we were having lunch and having some good convo, then he went, ‘oh 15 minutes, time to hit the desk’ in the middle of convo. that was kinda rude, but that’s what it takes to be in med school and be able to spend time with a friend. do i regret all those times i spend on others? i really don’t because God did use it and i see some fruits already. but would i do that again? probably not. my friend would tell me that i was good with people from my program and God did great works through me, so it was worth while. but that didn’t get me into medical school. lol. i believe that i need self-control (part of the fruit of Spirit) in me regarding of how i serve and communicate with people. discipline and faithfulness will do the work, and wanting to relate/be friends/help people can wait. really, i want to be with people too much, and if it hinders me from finishing what i am called for, then i need to reflect and change this. i found that passage as a great example for me.
Matthew 17:24-27 (click). it is about Jesus telling Peter to go catch a fish, and inside its mouth, he would find a four-drachma coin. Jesus wanted Peter to use the coin to pay as temple taxes for both of them. well, Jesus didn’t tell Peter to go find the four coins at some random place, but inside the fish. Jesus knew that Peter was a fisherman and He used his talent to find those coins. but Jesus didn’t require Peter to fish all the time while he was following Jesus faithfully. Jesus did not make Peter catch fish and sell them for the bread or foods to feed other disciples or people. Jesus wanted Peter to stop fishing and just follow Him faithfully. for me, that would mean to follow my calling as a student to study faithfully. when the time comes, he may use my talents (the very little that i have) so that i maybe the fisher of men.
following Jesus might have been hard for Peter. He might have wanted to go back fishing and live his comfy life. it’s like how studying by myself is hard, and i just want to spend time with people in good/bad intentions. (fishing is easier for Peter as it would for me to just spend my time with people, just to clarify). i just want to persevere throughout this summer giving my best to the Lord. it would not mean ‘perseverance’ if i keep doing something that i am already good at? if i were to really love people, i should look forward to the future on how i could serve people with my profession and knowledge.i think that’s would be the real love in my case. it is a joy to serve God, but He never needs me. He just wants me to be faithful with what i am called for. i know the time i find my happiest moments are through people and the time that i find it the saddest is also through people. one thing i’m sure though is that God’s blessings to me will come through people, people of nations. to get to that point, i will have to walk through (solitude/more disciplined/less people) narrow road.
what we are good at might have to wait the right time to glorify God in its maximum potential…. after doing what we are called to do as a faithful servant of Christ at the very moment.
(funny, i just got a text from a friend that she is in trouble. alright 1 hour max of listening…. i hope)