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i am scared.

May 14, 2012

oh man… thinking about what it is to come in the future, i dropped my book and just wept like a little kid. i feel like i know something is coming, but i don’t know if i can handle it with my own strength. compare to the last post, i am worrying that God will be working because i know He is working for my good for sure. however, will His plan be what i have considered ‘good’, that – i don’t know.

here i am studying for my last exam on cerebellum, higher cortical functions, basal ganglia, limbic system  etc… all those of God’s creation. it is quite funny to even think that they all would be made up randomly. for the God of all knowledge and wisdom working for my good, that still feels a little too much for me.

i know what i am afraid of…. i am afraid that as i give God all of me, He will take and use all of me at His will. that is one part, and another part is that -am i even ready for that? when He eventually unfolds and reveals me of His good plan for me, i have a feeling that i will not stand firm and will be having a bitter heart.

yes, i am scared.

i just started reading this book by R.A. Torrey, “the Person and the Work of the Holy Spirit”. it is just the beginning of the book, but it hit me hard. “if we think of the Holy Spirit as so many do as merely a power or influence, our constant thought will be, ‘how can i get more of the Holy Spirit’, but if we think of Him in the biblical way as a Divine Person, our thought will rather be, ‘how can the Holy Spirit have more of me?'” never even thought of it that way, but it is true. He gotta have all of me.

i thought of a time at U of I when i left Allen hall after having one of the very first small groups. i kept singing one song over an over and over again on my way back home. it was a short song, very easy to play on guitar. it was a simple song, but much needed for my soul for that whole year.

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I’ll be a living
Sanctuary for You.

All i can ask for my Lord is to prepare me with the love of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.
i think it is okay to cry, to be scared, and nervous. not just because we are weak, but because we want to be strong in the Lord. ‘bless the Lord, O my soul. O my soul, bless His holy Name.’

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

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4 Comments

  • Reply eunseok22 May 15, 2012 at 12:28 am

    Van, I am scared too. I have many fears about my future, and my weaknesses seem pretty overwhelming. but reading this encouraged me. Glad to see you are fighting hard in your life. I miss you bro. Shall gather after your exams!

    • Reply dosanaa May 16, 2012 at 1:00 am

      i’m glad you took your time to read it! yes we definitely should! hope home is treating you well 🙂 Dosa anjon!

  • Reply Taewoo Kim May 27, 2012 at 12:35 am

    haha took me forever to figure out who you were! thanks for sharing blessings, van 🙂

  • Reply i’m not afraid anymore. « in my weaknesses… September 20, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    […] to my post in May 14 <http://dosanaa.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/i-am-scared/&gt;, which was written by me being afraid and tremble, i am not afraid anymore. […]

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