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a new broken heart.

October 29, 2011

Friday midnight.
it has been awhile since the last time i cried out so hard to God in tears.

but tonight i was reminded of these three times-
1. when i drove around SIU med school seven times praying for God’s peace. it was snowing and the road was slippery, i remember. i specifically prayed that whatever happened, i would still be trusting in God’s plan. yeah, two weeks later, i found out that i didn’t get in. i was broken, but God did provide peace and joy in Him through Jesus Christ.
2. the time i was praying for my leg because one of the arches collapsed after the second day of training for Ethiopia team. it was not healed for a week, i became so consumed with fear and became so dependent on God. He knew my proud heart and how i needed to be broken physically. i couldn’t run, dance or even walk on some days. after changing my heart according to His purpose, He also healed my leg in three weeks. yea, just like that.
3. another time i was very frustrated with my team while in Ethiopia…it was not their fault all. it was the condition of my heart. it was just bitter and unthankful, there is nothing more to it. that morning, i was just broken before God to heal my heart and make it clean, so that i could love. He did. knowing i wouldn’t be able to do the day’s ministry without God’s providence of the Holy Spirit to fill me, i laid down my heart before Him. it was the most blessing day for me in Ethiopia.

along with those thoughts….all my sins in the past with addictions, anger, failed commitments, struggles, laziness and everything came right back in. or from today like looking at a girl twice.
i don’t know. i am just so frustrated with the fact that  i wanna give my all to Him yet, i still can’t do that.i just think that i depend on Him but yet i still do depend on myself. i am sure that the times i think i am doing right are the times i depend on myself. and tonight, i focus on myself and not the cross, and now the new broken heart comes out. God loves to call me out in my weaknesses so that i would see Him so much bigger. He has His own way to meet everyone….. although this blog says ‘boasting in weaknesses’, i hate being weak.

But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ 1Cor12:9.

i hate doing bad for an exam in the beginning and catching up throughout the semester because i feel lack of control…. i hate being broken first, then to repent before/depend on God. i wish i just do well on the exam from the beginning. i wish i just love God for who He is and just depend on Him without trusting myself and my plans. But why do You, O God, know me too well?
throughout my prayer God is changing my heart…. and now to the kind of heart that says,
“God, give me a blank paper and i will sign, you can just add anything to that contract after. it is all yours again”.
or
“God, look at me, i’m on the floor in the river of tears…just help me to trust, love and understand who You are in my life”
or
“there isn’t anything i can do for myself, just have it Your way. but when You do that make sure that my faith grows”
i wish i could feel like this much broken everyday before God without feeling defeated in my life. but God just knows me too well that i don’t do that…. i love this verse that says
“because the Lord disciplines those he loves” proverbs 3:12.

Saturday.
being broken by God is so good… because it does draw me closer to Him.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
surely He did. my heart is just full of joy.. i just can’t stop dancing. my heart discerns throughout the day. i could even use studying as a worship to Him. my soul longs for more of His glory and Word. then i feel the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

i am not sure about tomorrow, but today i am in love with my God or more like i feel God’s grace.
and i know that it is only through Him, who is the King of the broken.
i would like to feel it again. 

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