wow.. it is so much harder than i thought.
blogging ain’t easy. getting an A in exams ain’t easy. loving my neighbors/friends ain’t easy. sleeping only for 4 hours ain’t easy. crashing at someone’s sofa 2 days in a row ain’t easy. waiting for someone ain’t easy. hitting my sister for her own good ain’t easy. being motivated to workout ain’t easy.
last one, trying to live a holy life ain’t easy.
– but then why do I ever try the last one? why do i compare my spiritual life to this worldly life I live? I don’t need to try to be holy. My Father sees me as holy and pure because of my faith in Jesus Christ, but then why am I trying so hard?
I just took a big exam on tuesday. During the exam I cried out, “LORD, I AM SO STUPID, and it’s so hard for me to understand and know your beautiful creations of human cells and your creative ways of designing these genetic diseases. help me?….” man, that was good.
and now I am all burned out. I want to take a break, catch a breath. But just like the exam, I think that’s what I feel about my spiritual life too… I read the bible, I pray, I ask, I repent… it’s all still me. I am trying with my own strength to grow, and now look at me after taking a big exam… all lazy and not finding joy in the Word. As I seek God and His holiness, I come to take the ownership and it is draining me now. How I treat life is like just how I treat my Creator when it is supposed to the other way around: my little life for His.
Isaiah 40:31 But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I swear I heard a sermon on surrendering this Sunday, but my heart has been too stubborn enough to meditate and think it through. Surrendering it all to God should make the followers of Christ so much easier. And now I remember the time in Ethiopia where I had to surrender it all to God because I almost lost it. Why don’t I have the urgency to surrender it all and let go of my flesh self?
Paul said it all. Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
I must surrender and wait for the Lord.
Sovereign Lord, bring the revival in my heart again.